My Blog

Here's my blog. Its mostly devolved into a shitshow and my general thoughts but who knows maybe sometime I will start talking about tech more. Enjoy!

Tech

First Tech Blog

The Website

Yeah, this is a blog about the website you're reading this on. I know it's unoriginal, but I don't have much else to talk about at the moment, so bear with me for a while.

Choosing the Domain

When setting up this website, I originally intended to buy the domain miatech.ai, but that domain was parked with GoDaddy, and their brokerage fee was way too high for a small website. However, miate.ch turned out to be a great find! It uses the country code for Switzerland, which is pretty cool because I think Switzerland is awesome.

Domain Registrars

I shopped around for domain registrars, and most of the major ones had miate.ch, as I hoped. I went with the cheapest option, Ionos. However, the low price was deceptive. When I tried to self-host the domain, I discovered the only ways to host anything were through their providers, which were too expensive. That's why this website redirects to a Neocities site (which I do pay for).

Migrating to AWS

The Switch to Route 53

After realizing that Ionos, my previous provider, was not professional enough and would not satisfy my needs, I made the switch to AWS. I know that it's a small thing in the grand scheme of things, but I wanted it to show as miate.ch instead of neocities.miatech.org (which is still up with a really old version of this site btw). So I took my domain to Route 53, which for some reason charges me 50 cents a month, but I will take the hit to my bank account to make this look professional.

Migration Challenges

The process of porting my website was fairly easy, but what was a bit harder was actually getting my website running. As of making this blog, on the 12th of Nov (which happens to be my birthday), the way I set up AWS Amplify really screws me over. When I initially set up the main branch, I didn't consider that GitHub integration could be a great route to go down, so I didn't do anything pertaining to that.

Future Plans and Concerns

However, now I want version control and collaborators and a whole host of a content management platform, there is no way to add GitHub integration into my website except for deleting the current branch and starting from scratch. Anyways, I am hopeful that I can sort out pricing, as AWS has a pretty high price to usage ratio after the 12-month trial, so that is something I will need to add.

Blahaj.land

Updates/What I have done with the website in the last few months

It's been a while hasn't it? But, im back, if you want to see what i've been doing in the meantime, I havent done literally anything so thats fun! But, I thought an update was in order for the status of this wesbite. First off, I just redesigned the site a few days ago, and now im BACK!

Blahaj.land? What's That?

Wierd name right? I thought so too, but after talking to the founder for a while (Thanks Eryn!) they helped me through migration, as my whole website and subdomains are hosted with blahaj.land. However, I still use aws. So, why would I pay for 2 services when I could very easily migrate to a cheaper/easier solution? Mostly, because im lazy, and this website is a never ending pit of money.

AWS? But why?

Now, in no world am I a network engineer at this point. In fact, honnestly I have no clue on how to use 99.99% of AWS. However, that does not prevent me from using thier services for domain hosting/routing and email, and let me explain why. Currently, I contribute 3 Euro a month to blahaj.land. I would donate more, but AWS pricing is absolutley ramming my wallet. So, explain the costs. My Route 53 instace (Domain Hosting) is only 50p a month. Not bad right? I thought so too. But there is one other aspect of my website in which I am still heavily reliant on AWS.

What could possibly be so needed?

Email. That is what is so despeatley needed. And whilst blahaj.land offers services in hosting e-mail with my custom domain, AWS's WorkMail is sadly an excellent product. This product "Just Works" so well I would say it works better than literally every other email client I have tried. AWS understands thier target customer, and gives features that that customer wants. However, that is all at a cost. Up to 5$ a month to be specific. And that really hammers my bank account. While most months I don't get up to using the 5$ a month max limit (for billing,) I consistently spend 2-3$ a month for email. But, its just so easy. So thanks for that AWS WorkMail, for being such a great procduct. I really apreicate the aliases and the IMAP intergration, its helped me to not learn all that crap.

So, What's Next?

Honnestly, not much. This website has always been and will continue to be a passion project. However, I do plan to update this blog more frequently, as idk im not like incredbily not ok in the mind? Keep you're eyes peeled, I have some more blog posts in the workings!

Planning a Tiny PC Build

Processing the Idea

First off, this is just my processing, so just some rough ideas. First off, CeX is my best friend for this challenge, as I will be trading in stuff to them. I could squeeze a bit more budget by selling my current computer and other crap on 2nd hand marketplaces such as eBay, but that's too much work.

Motherboard / Base System

This is the main part of the computer. I was using a Fractal Design Ridge, but the case is simply too big. It is one of the biggest SFF cases out there, at around 12.6L. This is the least viable size. Now, doing my research, I could either go for the MinisForum MS-01, which comes with an H series Intel Core i5, i9 (12th gen) or 13th gen i9<. Whilst this is a good option, I would rather make it better, and that's where the Lenovo P/M Tiny Series comes into play. Whilst this was originally a NAS idea, the cost-benefit was not there, and if I get a capable tiny PC, I could convert it.

These tiny Lenovo machines measure in at 1L, so they are perfect, 2L with the power brick.

Whilst doing research, I came across this forum which was really useful: Lenovo ThinkCentre/ThinkStation Tiny Project Reference Thread.

Whilst I could go for the p360/m90q gen 3 for 12th gen Intel, the pricing is way too high. I am settling for a p350; the CPU choice does not matter yet.

Hopefully I get my hands on an i3/i5 model. My intention is to upgrade to an i7 11700T, because a 65w CPU in this chassis does not work well.

RAM

Ram wise, I was thinking 16 or 32GB of SODIMM DDR4 RAM. Whilst I have 32GB of RAM in my Framework motherboard, I could buy another 32GB.

I think 32gb of 3200 mhz of SODIMM DDR4 is the right move.

GPU

This is the hardest bit of this sort of build. Since I am limited to a single slot half-height GPU, the options are very limited. However, it is possible to find a good GPU for this PC even with the constraints mentioned. This Reddit thread (link not provided in original text) basically encapsulates all the options.

With this knowledge, without going on Taobao or getting an insanely overpriced workstation card, the 3050 from YESTON is my best bet. This will be $209 but can be $219 not on “Sale”.

Yeston RTX 3050 6GB GDDR6 Gaming Graphics Card

Storage

Storage is a real not-permanent thing. To start the build, I am thinking of re-using my 1tb Crucial P3 for the first while, and eventually add in my 512gb mini sata card instead of the wifi card.

Since it has 2 M.2 slots, I am thinking of getting a 990 Evo for my laptop, and occupy the second M.2 slot with the Crucial P3 (2tb) from my laptop.

PSU

PSU is by far one of the hardest parts of this build. However, it is pretty easy to find a Lenovo OEM replacement PSU, so I am thinking of going for the 230w version, the highest configuration at the time of configuration. A PSU like this should cost me at most $50, but I can go higher if fancy configurations are needed.

More On CPU

The CPU options on this platform are quite wide. I can choose from any socketed 10th or 11th gen Intel Core CPU that has a TDP of 65w or less. This leaves me with a few good choices, but while using a GPU, the general consensus is to use a 35w CPU as it will leave more thermal headroom for the GPU. So, that rules out all non-T series CPUs. While I could go for the i9 11900T, the performance-to-$ ratio is not good enough for me, so the i7 11700T is the perfect option, while having a low TDP.

PRICING

This is the hardest bit of the build. The main variable for this build is the m90q 2nd gen or p350, as they are the most expensive part. This is very close to what I would want to build.

Next, the GPU is pretty consistent at $200. RAM and storage stay at about the same price.

Phone Reviews

iPhone 5s Shenanagans (Phone Review Formatting Tester)

Setting Up / First Impressions

This is going to be my first week using this 10 year old phone. I will try to use it as my only phone for two weeks and give my honnest review of it.

Battery Life

Starting off with battery life, it is really bad. Putting a 1500mAh cell really degrades its performance, as well as having a over 10 year old cell means that the battery life is really bad, but with the size constraints there wasn't much choice to choose from. Overall, the battery life is bad for the modern day and if you have important work on your phone, now you don't. I always cary a portable charger and am constantly aware of battery percentage.

Display

Surprisingly, the first thing I tested was the display. As the case for all of my phones, I cranked the brightness to max, and the brightness on this little monster is crazy. Not at all rivaling my Pixel 9 Pro XL, but surprisng. The display's qualtiy also is pretty good for being 10 years old, but isint the Super AMOLED pannels we are used to in the modern day. However, the 16x9 aspect ratio is a nice change and the display is really well enginered.

Application Support

This phone runs iOS 12 which is really inconvient. This was a major run from iOS 7-12, but iOS 12 is an outdated version of iOS at the end of the day and is terrible for app support. Things such as Gmail or YouTube work, but one big thing that just doesnt work is e-bike apps such as lime or the TFL cycle apps, both do not run, which really impacts my useage because then i have to cary around another phone.

Performance/Chipset

This phone was a very interesting phone when first released. The biggest selling point of the iPhone 5s was its 64bit chipset before any other manufacturer. However, it is still a dual core and overheats a lot in my experience, so even though the techinical strides that were made were immense it wasnt enough to save it from being obselete.

Pixel 9 Pro XL, an honnest 5 month review. (In Progress)

Setting Up / First Impressions

Back when I got this phone in November of 2024, I was so excited to have a phone that wasn't a 4 year old iPhone (although that iPhone 12 Pro Max held up very well). So, that affected my first impressions. Especially the switch from iOS to Android. However, it was honnestly, not a bad change, and my first impressions were very solid, it felt like a mix between the last premuim phones I had used, the iPhone 12 Pro Max and the Pixel 6 Pro.

Display

WOW this display is bright. I know brightness is something we take for granted these days, but seriously I can comftarbly use this phone outside in BROAD DAYLIGHT, I mean just soak that in. I think that changes like this phone reviewers skip over, but the phone is pretty useable outside. Also, 120hz is SO nice, and the way it is implimented in the pixel skin of android has always been in my opionion the smoothest use of high refresh rate displays.

Charging

Now, I know the spec sheet for the Pixel 9 Pro XL says that it can take 45w of charging from *Compatable Chargers.* However, this basically is false. The highest I have been able to charge at is 30w. BUT 30w is still crazy fast charging. Coming from 20w on the iPhone, 30w makes the charging usable. Also, it was so refersing to be able to see how fast I was charging, honnestly AccuBattey is one of the best apps EVER.

Battey Life

The thing absolutley NO tech reviewers get even close to explaining. And honnestly, I am probablly going to do a worse job compared to Mr Linus Sebastian, so everything I say is literally ONLY my opinion. With that out of the way, phone battery optimisation has really taken a steep plateau in terms of actual usetime within the last few years. The change from a iPhone SE2's battery life to a iPhone 12 Pro Max was astonishing, but past that I have not really seen a big difference from my iPhone to the Pixel. However, the Pixel gives more customisation, such as with SaverTuner, another of my favourite apps, which is basically battery saver mode but with a bunch more customsation and personalsation.

Performance

The REAL reason everyone buys a flagship /j. Because honnestly, nobody cares about performance if it doesn't effect the persons' daily phone usage. This is perfectly shown with the Pixel 9 Pro XL. In benchmarks, the Tensor G4 is significantly behind literally the Snapdragon 8 gen 1, a 3 year old chip. However, NOBODY cares. Because, the Tensor G4 handles everything I need it to do, and not once have I cared, even with the tensor G1. Honnestly, its stupid we should be going for effecency, but sadly I cant influence the industry.

Music, Essays & Art

Art Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

Whilst this is a commonly used phrase, with art being an objective medium, we as a society value certain forms of art over others, showing our inherent biases. For example, I would argue that these blog posts are a form of art in themselves, time and effort has gone into writing them, and I am being creative whilst writing these entries. However, our society does not recognise writing as art, unless it holds significant value.

However, most paintings would be considered art. Many drawings fall under the umbrella of “art”. Most photographs are seen as art. But when you take one of my favourite artistic mediums, music, bands like System of A Down are seen as noise-makers or entertainers, less so than artists who have thought provoking lyrics on (at the time) current political issues and problems rooted deeply in our society.

Now, you may be asking, why am I talking about this? Why do I care about art. Because I go to school. And at school they grade your “art”. And when one person is grading your work, there is a singular beholder with bisaes. This is the definition of art being in the eye of the beholder. And to say the least, it is disappointing when this beholder does not attend to commonly met grading standards, and instead calls my drawings “primitive” and fails me. for multiple semesters in a row. Ok, art rant over. Or is it?

Because an aspect of art that we miss out on is music. Now, I could go on and on about my favourite bands, but that's not what this post is for. Because whilst we call musicians “artists,” their form of art is not treated as art. Not in the sense that a Beethoven would be treated as art. Where I really see art being in the eyes (and ears) of the beholder is lyrics. Lyrics in mainstream music are very general and broad, which leaves them up for interpretation. This is more common among popular artists, but a song like “Nookie” by limp bizkit is mostly interpreted as this thrash-y nu-metal hit which is about doing it all for the nookie. However, the song is actually about a breakup and being taken advantage of.

Many songs also do not have a concrete setting, especially in the rock/metal genres. Not many artists are brave enough to paint a picture of where the song takes place. It could very well be “at the center of the earth, in the parking lot”-Jesus of Suburbia, Green Day, or at your house. And that is what I really appreciate about the hard rock and metal subdivide of rock. The lyrics could very well meaning anything. A prime example of this would be Tentative by System of A Down. Whilst the song is about the displacement and the trauma of war, the excerpt “Where you going? To the bottom, Do you hear us? We are rotting, We're going down, in a spiral to the ground” was a line I resonated with, not on a war displacement level, but on a personal level, feeling like my life was spiraling “to the bottom.”

Now, this is in stark contrast to photography. Most famous photography has some concrete narrative to it, and is set somewhere. Whether it be landscape photography, where the photography is of the landscape, or travel photography, or extreme sports photography, the narrative is set. It is very hard to interpret a festival that was photographed on a jovial day where everyone was smiling and think that maybe, just maybe that one person in the back that was slightly sadder than the rest of the crowd is like you. Photography has a much smaller personal narrative to it.

However, what art does invoke is emotion. Personally, I think that is the true definition of art. If i show you a picture of Auschwitz and thousands of dead bodies you probably would wince away, and feel some level of disgust. Or, if I showed you Van Gogh's starry night, you would feel intrigued and wondrous, maybe even feel small and insignificant, just as I and many others did.

But art is not just emotion. If it was, we would be watching gore on a daily basis (wait what instagram let that happen?) I think art is also about self-expression. And I think that is an aspect of art that school crushes. Whilst school does allow for some creativity, my art that I create within the school walls do not have a personal narrative behind them. And I really enjoy adding narrative to my art. And that is why I appreciate writing so much, as it is self expression made easy. I would call these blog posts emotion-enducing, especially with what is soon to come, and this blog is literally just my thoughts.

Art is whatever you want it to be, says literally nobody. We as a society have developed this idea that only certain works are classified as art, with the rest being not valuable to society. I just wanted to bring light to this, I just wanted to write about something. Expect more gender identity and mental health posts to come, this was an outlier, but I really enjoyed creating this piece of art.

Music: An Essay (Heavy Content)

Yes, I know this is literally another deviancy from the core of this blog, but its my blog and respectfully fuck off if you don’t like it. Ok, now that we have established that this is my blog and I do what I want, I’ve been thinking about this exact topic for a while, but never really had the motivation to put into words. And that, is how music affects us all, but im going to use personal experiences in this instance because again, it is my blog. Go ahead and email me, doesn’t work anyway (I will make a post on that very soon).

In my personal experience, Music has helped me feel sad, happy, angry, bitter, but in some instances has directly affected my mood day-to-day. And this is something that I want you to consider, as it was something I did not realize was affecting me until much later on in life. I want to take you back to late 2022/early 2023, a pretty shitty time in my life for many reasons that I may get into at a later date, but I want to specifically focus on the music I was listening to.

For me, a constant wailing of noise in my ears is something I have been accustomed to after getting my grubby childish fingers on a phone and earbuds, constantly having auditory stimulation, which in the simplest way, fucked with my moods. Looking back on what I was listening to at this time, two of my favorite tracks were “Broken” by Lund and “Suicidal Thoughts” by Josh A and another rapper of whose name I cannot remember. However, based on these titles alone, you can infer the meaning of these songs, hopeless songs about depressing topics, of which I later created a playlist called “Depression Music,” Now, if you don’t want to read on anymore, and realized this is just a trauma dump of my experience of music, go ahead and leave, I gain absolutely nothing by keeping engagement. However, one thing my therapist said that really stuck with me while in “wilderness therapy” (whole different topic, don’t get me started, maybe some other time), I was talking about how I was always listing to music, and they suggested to split different moods of music into different playlist, such as “Happy Music”, While I didn’t do anything of the sort for a long while, I later on realized that there was some wisdom in that statement, and how that therapist was right about many things about me, that I would only later come to realize.

Now, back to the music. Most of these tracks were coming from my older brother’s old playlist, which was a huge amalgamation of music, with these depressing tracks only making a small fraction of the content of this playlist. However, I was intrigued and led to this new subgenre of rap/rock that I will affectionately refer to as “depression music” thought this essay. Now, during this time it was no secret that I was depressed, and that was not due to just this music, but having “depression music” reinforcing the narrative in my mind that life sucked and that there was nothing to live for really helped me to grasp onto this narrative that nothing really mattered. One quote from one of my favorite songs at the time really encapsulates this perfectly, with a decent amount of profanity. The opening line of “Im not suicidal I don’t wanna fuckin; die, I just wanna close my eyes and feel alright” really stuck with me, as during this time period I was between a mild and moderate on the php-9 scale, as if that means anything. Now, my parents could see this change in mood, and considering how I was literally 12 at the time, I would also find a sudden change in mood quite alarming to say the least. So, im sure this contributed a fair bit to sending me to “wilderness therapy” (oh great now mia is yapping about trauma what the fuck!).

Anyway, the lyrics and themes of these songs were engrained in my daily routines, barely hanging by during school time, but that did not mean everything was bad, something that gets overshadowed in a lot of person blog things, everything was not terrible, just bad timing while I was in a bad mental situation, leading to some of the worst weeks of my life. One thing that I always come back to though, when thinking of situations like this is how alone I felt at times like this, like genuinely this is not something many people comment on, let alone talk about. Of course, people feel isolated, I am not trying to downplay that fact at all. However, when being around a seemingly supportive and loving family, and seeming to have a complete friend group, especially during the end of the school year, things from the outside can seem perfect, but when you aren’t able to express yourself in daily life, which has been something I have always struggled with, friendships can feel like more of burdens, and what a surprise but I was not too fond of my parents at this moment in time, something absolutely nobody could see coming!.

On a more serious note, this was a pretty shit and rambly piece, not up to my usual standards, and honestly im sorry if that was what I helped people to get an idea of, but its my website again, if you don’t like it there are millions, probably at least billions more websites to visit, what makes my one so important huh?.

Linkin Park & System Of A Down Discography Analysis (in progress)

Linkin Park’s Discography

Preface

This document is my own opinion. I like Linkin park, but I will not even pretend to understand every single song’s origin. This will also be a very personal document, so don't be a dumbass with the info, there's not much else to say.

Hybrid Theory

Linkin park’s debut album. The one that put them on the charts. Coming in at 37 minutes and 52 seconds and spanning 12 tracks, it was an excellent introduction to Linkin Park’s ever-changing sound.

Papercut

Papercut is the first introduction to linkin park that most people had. And honestly, I think it is the perfect introduction, with the dynamism between Chester and Mike’s verses, and the hard nu-metal direction. Also, papercut details the paranoia and two-sidedness of most people. Whilst extreme paranoia and extreme two-sidedness (bpd) do exist, most people at some point have dealt with emotions of paranoia, even if it was only looking over your back one extra time.

Now, how does Papercut relate to me? Because that's why you are here, isn't it? Honestly, the biggest takeaway for me from papercut is the two-sided lyrics, “the face inside is right beneath the skin.” While the level of 2 sidedness is not really accurate to me, the idea of being separate from your true self really emanates through this song, and this disconnect portrayed by that. Probably the reason that paranoia is also portrayed in the same song as a sort of hand-in-hand relationship.

One Step Closer

One step closer. Where do I begin? One of the most prominent singles of hybrid theory, and it really shows. Continuing the heavy energy from papercut, it has one distinct message, which definitely helped in aiding its popularity.

Now, again this song doesn't have many personal implementations. However, the feeling of being “about to break” has been pretty prominent, but not in the way that one step closer describes. Instead, it's more breaking in a quiet way, instead of screaming “SHUT UP WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU”, by far the most iconic line in this song.

With You

This is one of my favourite songs from Hybrid Theory. The intro, it's a masterpiece. The way that the records are DJ’d is just amazing. I also have actual memories of this specific song, which helps its ranking within hybrid theory.

“ I hit you and you hit me back”, an amazing line. Within any relationship, I'm sure most people have had some sort of reaction similar to this, but the way that Linkin Park incorporates it into a song, as if to say that not everything is black and white, is excellent.

System Of A Down’s Mezmerize/Hypnotize

Released in early and late 2005, System Of A Down’s Hypnotise and Mesmerize are their 4th and 5th studio albums, and the last studio albums produced to date. While being released 6 months apart, they are sister albums, and if listened in order, create one amalgamation of an album, which I would consider one of the best albums of all time.

Mezmerize

Starting in May of 2005, Mezmerize was released. While mezmerize was a step in a different direction, it mostly kept the same themes and sound as their previous hit studio album Toxicity (I know that Steal This Album was different, but it's my writing.) Featuring the single BYOB System Of a Down proved that political pieces could reach the masses, with BYOB reached #4 on the USA’s Mainstream Rock and Alternative Rock billboards, a attestment to its strong message and overall vibey-ness. People really liked the song, and it's anti-war sentiment rang throughout the song. ”Why Dont Presidents Fight The War?”

While question was the second single off of this album, it never reached the same acclaim that BYOB reached, being System’s 4th most streamed song on spotify at the time of writing. Question is also a much more bland song, with no real political themes that I could discect out of it.

So, why do I regard these albums so highly? Is it because I have nothing better to do with my time and don't listen to many albums? Whilst that may be true, the real reason is that the combination of thrash metal and hard rock really blend so well, with lyrics that while at times can be incoherent and stupid, most of the time have deep sentiment, something you do not see much in modern rock and metal, especially lyrics about war, and deep political issues.

Soldier Side - Intro

While this song would later get extended in Hypnotize, the sentiment is the same, with it being an acoustic version of the second half of Soldier Side on Hypnotize. I think that the idea to have a mellow track before the thrash anthem that BYOB is, was a great idea to say the least.

Out of all the lines in this intro, the most significant by far is “People, All Grow Up to die.” While this would also get expanded in Hypnotize, the sentiment of war rings through the song. Whilst only measuring at 20 seconds long, it is one of the best “intro” pieces to an album that I have listented to. However, after the gituars wane out, BYOB starts blasting, a real shock if you had the volume up because of the quiet nature of Soldier Side.

BYOB

Where do I start? This song just has so much to it, its hard to start with. So, lets start all the way at the beginning. “YOU!.” This feels like Serj himself is adressing me, which is a big wake up. Also, I would argure that its placment in the song also has a deeper meaning. The way I personally interprit it is that the band is calling You to be active, as if activisim doesnt happen by doing nothing. And whilst its an activist’s song, its also a song that calls other people to be active, while not making that the whole point of the song.

So what is the point of the song. Is it just talking about “going to the party have a good time.” Spoilers, no, of course not, this is a SOAD song, and if there isint a crazy amount of depth to the lyrics, you are listening to it wrong. “WHY DO THEY ALWAYS SEND THE POOR?’ I think that its a pretty self-explanitory lyric. However, I think its placment is intentional. After the song calls for you to listen, that they’re singing to you, they start off with this question. And for most listeners, I dont think that they would have ae good answer to why equality exsists within military recruiting, such as with mandatory serivce not really being mandatory, and how if you are rich you can get away with not getting “sent” to the war.

“Hypocritic and Hypnotic Computers.” As always, SOAD never gives actual insight in thier crazy lyricisim. But I think that this specific sentiment has become more and more blaringly in the mainstream. Now, of course I dont think the actual computers are hypocritical (unless you are talking about AI,) but a computer is the work of humans, and more and more our computers and devices have become hypnotic. In my opinion, I would argue that its more of the users of these computers that are “Hypocritic,” and how that gets depicted on your side. You see this sentiment constantly within platforms such as Twitter(x), especially with more recency.

“You depend on our protection, Yet you feed us lies from the tablecloth,” Crazy idea, but im pretty sure this is in direct relation to the line about the poor fighting wars. A country is as good as its people, and if those people are “fed lies,” I don’t think its a big surprise that the people doesn’t want to protect that regime and way of thinking. Take the recent situation in turkey. While the Turkish regime is more feeding reporters lies, the government is also trying to control the people, and in turn are getting protested against. In turkey you have mandatory military service, and people are just sick of it.

Moving on so that the Turkish Government doesn’t assasinate me,

Revenga(the rest is in progress)

Creative Writing Drafts

Novel Draft - Chapter 1

Chapter 1 (sensory and hook)

As I sat in the passenger seat of my mom’s Porsche 911, my skinny jeans making their presence known on my skin, the surrounding peaks enveloping me, my body was on high alert as an overwhelming sense of guilt and displeasure was pulsing through my veins. It was only the day after I was informed about the situation, but there were signs months before. Subtle remarks, at one point I shrugged off a direct remark, my brain not wanting to hear. However, let’s re-wind to the day before I was heading to wilderness therapy, the day when I was made aware of this impending doom.

It was a dark night. Everything was quiet, except for the subtle howl of a coyote. The comfy wide seats of the car I was in offered intensive comfort, until that was hit with a cannonball that changed this bliss into utter distraught that sent my head into frenzy, thoughts rapid-firing inside my head, creating a minefield of thoughts. The news was of me going to this “special camp” that would help me “improve,” however it didn’t feel like that at all. It felt like a betrayal, and a cartoony one at that, as if my parents were giving up.

The expectation was for me to sit around for 2 hours to watch a film about acequias, the Spanish word for little rivers that provide irrigation around the world, but my mind was completely focused on the impending doom I was about to face, feeling as if the end of the world was upon me. So I did what I thought was right, thrusting open the theatre doors right before starting time, and walked off. My parents, understanding, allowed this to happen, knowing that there wasn’t much in the town of Taos, I was also like 13 so what options did I have, but only after the first few minutes of walking, did I realize how bad the conditions were in Taos, my hometown, with no sidewalks, and literally walking on grass or road.

Overwhelmed with feelings of grief and sadness, feeling the burden of the unknown, once I had reached home, I simply collapsed from emotional exhaustion, trying to sleep the pain away, as if that was going to work. But alas, the next morning came, a Monday morning, and I was whisked away out of my bed and taken into the car, ready to travel halfway across the US for some wilderness therapy program of which I had no information on. After getting told that I wouldn’t need anything, I realized the gravity of my situation, not knowing much, but enough to be scared of the future.

Novel Draft - Chapter 2

Chapter 2 (background info)

Now that you understand the background behind my situation, we now need to move on to what wilderness therapy actually is. As per Wikipedia, wilderness therapy is “a treatment option for behavioral disorders, substance abuse, and mental health issues in adolescents. Patients spend time living outdoors with peers.” (wikipedia.org, 2025) However, the article later clarifies that this definition just barely scrapes the surface of Wilderness Therapy.

Now many people wonder where Wilderness Therapy comes from, and honestly that’s a very fleshed out debate, but the general consensus is that Wilderness therapy in this form has been around since the 1970’s, but that’s just the beginning of having children being sent away.

While history has many instances of this, I want to highlight one example of this that is close to many American’s hearts, and that is the Native American “Boarding Schools.” While having roots back to the founding of the USA, they mainly were popularized in the 1800’s, as the civilization fund act was signed in 1819, permitting this behavior to legally occur. However, it wouldn’t be until 1902 that these schools got federal funding, issued through the Bureau of Indian Affairs, which the name and conception of was inherently racist.

The USA only formally apologized in October of 2024, for this long sustained abuse of a period over 400 years long (Note: source doc varied between 200 and 400 years), which ultimately led to thousands or even tens of thousands of unessacary deaths, there are still ongoing investigations on exact numbers. While these boarding schools were federally mandated and were more of a “brainwashing” effort, the peak popularity for these boarding schools was around the 1970s, with the 80s and 90s seeing a lower amount of enrolment, and by 2008 being almost completely irridactaed. Just the thought that when I was born that this injustice was going on is a hard thought to grapple with, that during my lifetime thousands of people have been ushered through these inherently racist systems, and stripped of their culture in the act of “civilization.”

These boarding schools strike a very similar image to these wilderness therapy programs. Just as Native American children were forcibly removed from their families and cultures, todays ‘troubled teens’ often find themselves in the same situations, being taken from everyday activities and being forced into these programs. Now, don’t get me wrong, wilderness therapy is very much different experience, and there are many more formalities that wilderness therapy programs give that these boarding schools didn’t give. However, a wilderness therapy usually starts in a horrifying way, ‘gooning.’

Imagine this, you have just come back from a long day of school, you go through your night as normal, play some video games, go to sleep at 11, completely ready to wake up the next day and go to school. However, this feeling of relief is suddenly gone as at 2am, you are awoken from your slumber by harsh flashlights and some loud voices, with no information given, just that you are getting sent away. The sudden panic and fear sets on you, and there is no time for thinking, just going. These ‘goons’ are legally allowed to use force, with parents nail, biting right up the staircase. This is ‘gooning,’ the industry term for forcibly removing ‘troubled teens.’

If getting ‘gooned’ sounds like a very inhumane experience, that’s because it is. While many people were participating in illegal activities, the majority of the people sent in my group were pardon my French, but depressed little shits. While I did not get ‘gooned’, I have heard many experiences, and they sound exactly how you would think this experience would go, every time the parents anxiously waiting for their child to get driven away with 3 people they barely know, always at night.

And that part, with the parents anxiously waiting is something that must be really scary in that situation. Let’s put aside the nessacity for a little while (spoiler; in most instances it’s not needed). You get woken up by an expensive convoy of buff people, and your parents don’t have enough guts to even say goodbye, from the instances that I was told about. It’s just the audacity for your parents to take you away, without any explanation or reasoning and that shared experience one way or another really bugs me.

Gooning, is just the start of your journey. After getting driven hundreds of miles to the middle of nowhere with these people paid to intimidate you, you are dropped off at your “program,” which is where your freedom is officially stripped. You get rid of everything grounding you to the world, you literally get to keep NOTHING and are given new stuff, and when I say new stuff I mean it, tent (during the summer), clothing (including underwear and socks), backpack, you bring nothing in. And that’s in stark contrast to all these kids’ “previous” lives, where they were showered in lavish lifestyles most of the time.

And that’s one problem that I have with wilderness therapy, it’s delegated to only the upper class. And you may be asking, why is that a problem? Why do I have a problem with this? Because to put it simply, if wilderness therapy worked, more people would talk about it, and it would be much more accessible. And the most hypocritical part of this is wilderness therapy companies are losing money, some even shutting down. Between my two stays at my institution, they had acquired 3 really sick jeeps from a pretty well-known camp in the industry, because it had shut down. While covid definitely had a negative impact on their business, there was actually a really impactful surge in inaugurations, causing these programs to gain rapid property, as for any society spending 4 months stuck indoors with your kid really messes with you.

However COVID aside, there has been this panic around teenagers in society for a while. One big example I can think of is the satanic panic of the 80’s, which was really just teenagers expressing themselves in a way that they saw fit. Of course, this continued in to the 90’s and 2000s and manifested itself in different ways, but my point is mainly that there has always been this sentiment around teenagers and how they are struggling, and how that needs to be fixed. From stereotypical media to parental propaganda, teenagers are seen as “wrong” in society, and how that can be “fixed.”

Now, arriving at the camp, this is possibly the harshest part of the program. At my program, I was dropped off to this house-looking building, and this building was even furnished like a house. However, this secluded Idahoan property was anything but a residential property, it was the start of a cycle of trauma for many. When entering, you are luckily not strip searched, but they have quite extensive security measures, what measures I had to go through was probably legally not strip searching so it was ok for these people to do it with dubious parental consent. And this is the start, after striping you literally and taking away everything, like literally everything, they give you new stuff (yay!).

Now, going back to my experiences, they took me to the local pharmacy. Keep in mind I saw at least 3 conferdate flags on my way to this pharmacy, so that kinda affirmed my thinking that this was a red state, which confirmed my initial legal fears.

At this pharmacy however, for some reason I couldn’t pee for the drug test. And keep in mind, this was like required. Now, the staff thought I was like bluffing and that I just didn’t want to take it, not encouraging me btw, but I literally couldn’t pee. However, this lack of information was really fucking with me the whole time, why I needed a drug test, where I was, like it was all as if it was more of a benefit to the parents, and they had all the information, but I didn’t. Keep in mind parents would be thousands of miles away, not a thought in their mind about their child.

So yeah, they check you out, basic stuff like can you walk 12 miles a day, weight, height, blood pressure. Wait!? 12 miles a day? That’s right, as per Idaho law I guess, you can subject children, literal 11 year old children to walk 12 miles a day. Now, I will get more into this later, but they did a basic physical, like oh can you jog for 30 seconds, and that was enough proof to them that I could walk 12 miles a day. Doesn’t seem very thorough to me, but I guess if someone passes out that’s something that gets sorted out 50 miles from any civilization.

Yeah, civilization. Something I wouldn’t be able to be around for the next 2 months. While unknown at the current time, I was going to spend 2 months without running water, electricity, any modern conveniences. Luckily the program I was at provided us with flint and steels (only to the instructors), and we had a propane stove, but we would get rations once a week. And the rations were the same; it was up to you to make new things.

While wilderness therapy is nowhere near this level of “bad,” there are some striking similarities, which are really scary that these programs are actively run today. For my first comparison, these kids are taken forcefully against their will. While the boarding schools were federally mandated, these wilderness programs are always legally binding and many times are subsidized by insurance, meaning they are completely legally viable and in some cases are even recommended. In most instances you would get gooned, which is the industry term for legal “thugs” that will take your children to these far-away camps, but getting gooned is usually marketed to parents who think their child is a “flight risk,” and instead of talking to their children, resort to intimidation as to get their child to these facilities halfway across the country.

Mental breakdowns while writing this:1

Wilderness Therapy Essay

Wilderness Therapy, I guess? (Heavy Content)

I want to start this off by saying that I do not condone hate or harassment of any entities mentioned in this text, the problems I will be talking about are more systemic and less individual, most of the individual problems will be mine, I will try to make this as most about me, and if you don’t like it, too bad.

It’s that long awaited post that literally nobody asked for or even thought would happen, Mia finally talks about the systemic issues that plague American society and the societal impacts that that brings. While I could pretend I’m all scholarly and shit, I’m really not, and I don’t understand much about the world, but I understand enough to where I am writing this, and that seems like enough reason.

Sadly, in America there is this idea where if you have enough money, most problems can be sorted out with money. While, for subjects such as transport or food or housing this is true, there are many instances where this is not true. While this is a deeply societal and capitalist issue, there has been this idealism in northern American to send young adults/children “away” to “improve” for a while. While most wilderness programs are reserved for the upper-class who honestly couldn’t give a shit about their children, this issue has been a part of American culture ever since the inception of America.

While the example I am about to talk about is a completely and wildly different situation to the one I found myself in and should not be compared to at all, I would like to highlight that this attitude of sending children “away” to better themselves has been around since the inception of America. Now, let me take you back to the first instance that I can think of, a series of events that even the US government does not want to teach to kids such as myself, which is really sad because honestly the US government back in the 1800s were real assholes to anyone that was not of European decent.

Native American boarding schools. Ring a bell? For many people, they are probably like what the fuck are you on about mia?. But for a few, I hope this was something that has been brought to your attention in one form or another before now. While this was more a problem of racism and religion supremacy back in the 18 and 1900s, it showed that the settlers of America realized that children were the future, and therefore made “education” mandatory for all Native American children. Now, when I say “education” in quotation marks, this could be interpreted as me being entitled or stingy, but this was more of a complete brainwashing or re-education initiative. The settlers of America realized that after they terrorized the Native Americans into following Christianity and ravaging their colonies, that they had to continue this and make sure the children were educated in a way that saw this European way of living as the only way of living.

These boarding schools, to put it plainly were more like re-education camps rather than boarding schools. Mandated by the US government at this time, also receiving a lot of government funding, the goal of these “schools” was to completely wipe the Native-American heritage in these children and make them Caucasian “good citizens” of the US, except they were never citizens of the United States and had absolutely no rights. Does this make sense yet, because to me it makes no sense, considering that the society that they were being brainwashed into fitting into had no place for them, built on the literal oppression of the people they were now were trying to brainwash.

Now, legally, this highly-religious government was successful in passing the required laws and mandates to legally oppress one racial group. And now you may be asking, why the fuck are you talking about religion now?. Because these boarding schools were as Christian as could be, engraving the bible and Jesus into every student, something that from personal experience does not help at all when taking children from their parents and teaching them completely different idealisms and mannerisms compared to what they had with their parents. When religion leads a government, it does more harm than good in my opinion. Lets take Saudi Arabia, which is a completely different situation than this, but it is a good modern-day comparison. While a completely different idea they are oppressing, generally Muslim culture is un-accepting of LGBTQ+ people, especially people in the first 3 letters, trans people in Arabic countries is a whole different topic that I may discuss later on, but this is specifically about America. I mean it is crazy that we put up with a country that gives people the death sentence, a literal hanging in public if you are gay. Just zoom out for a second, you can kiss a dude (as a dude) and that’s literally game over, purely based on religion and internalized beliefs that are passed thought society. While Saudi Arabia is not this oppressive, there are certain instances of literal “jokes” being taken as gay rhetoric and having massive consequences. While the US does suffer from similar idealisms, the extremist-Christian population is not in charge yet, which hopefully never happens, but we will have to wait and see with Donald Trump. The difference is that in the US, people in office are paid off by corporate sponsors, in courtiers such as Saudi Arabia, the governments are the corporate sponsors, and control everything.

Ok, religion yap session over because I could talk about religion all day and its negative affects on policy and peoples lives, that’s not what this weird essay is about. Native American boarding schools were a part in US history where the government was ruled by Christian values, with very similar values to modern-day middle-eastern countries. There is a reason that this is a period of history that is not taught in Untied States public schools, and that is simply that it was a fuck-up on the government’s side, but the whole point of history is that we learn from it, and that is personally a factor that makes me enjoy writing shitty rambly essays such as this one.

Ok, these boarding schools were bad; I think that most people can agree. The whole point was to suppress the native American heritage of these people, but the fact that this was mandated in legislation shows that there has always been an attitude of sending children away, but hearing about the atrocities and honestly tortuous conditions that these children were subject to, like being forcibly kept at these facilities, but this was the start.

I have noticed a particular attitude towards boarding schools in the US versus the UK. To put it very simply, if you are going to a boarding school in the UK, you are among the top class of children, and are very smart/intelligent. However, the same sentiment is not shared in the US. The sentiment in the US is very much negative, marking you going to boarding school as a “problem,” and the act of going to boarding school more of an intervention. Having one prime example of this in my immediate family, my uncle was sent to a boarding school in the US. Of course, some of the things I heard could be exaggerated and I'm sure there was some confirmation bias in my listening of the stories told to me, but beyond there has to be at least an ounce of truth. This boarding school was very much a correctional facility, and they were sent there as more of an intervention, compared to my own brothers, who were sent to boarding school in the UK for a better education. These are just examples from my small family, I'm sure there are at least thousands of other stories just like the ones my family members have shared, but another sentiment I have noticed in the US was that it was always a “problem child” that was sent away. With the generation above me, only my uncle was sent to this remote boarding school, the rest of that family being intact and going to day school together, getting rid of the problem instead of trying to deal with it. This was also the 1990’s so times were different, but this idea of getting rid of the “problem child” has persisted, leading to the troubled teen industry.

The troubled teen industry. Something that is delegated to very wealthy and upper class families. During my time at wilderness therapy, with one exception every kid was in the upper class, with parents making at least 500k a year, a number I estimate of course but looking at behaviors and living conditions, when you live with someone for 9 weeks straight, you can guess their financial situation pretty well, and all of these kids were very well off, all being in the upper class. That one exception I will be talking about later, so honestly shut up I didn’t ask for a comment. Now, let’s make the presumption that this experience helps every kid, why is this experience delegated to only rich kids?. Or even as an extension of that, why is mental help only available to well off kids?. I think it is quite easy to see the problem here, which is in a capitalist society the only people who win are the people at the top, and everyone is scraping to the top. But that was never a question, was it? If this treatment is so useful and helpful for a wide variety of children, why isn’t it more mainstream and widespread, with the government stepping in?. Because that’s exactly what I was asking when I realized that all the children were well off at this “camp”. And that’s because it doesn’t. Now, I'm not completely dismissing the idea of wilderness therapy of treatment, but the way it is engraved in modern society is a mistake. Another trend I realized that most of the children don’t go home, doesn’t change, and go to what’s called a “Therapeutic Boarding School.”. Now, if you have never heard of a therapeutic boarding school, give yourself a pat on the back, because I'm convinced that these therapy programs have some sort of monetary gain when sending children to therapeutic boarding schools, with scared parents happily obliging. Also, the lack of information in these areas is extremely concerning, with these schools being marketed as the “next step”, from my specific program the stat was somewhere like 8/10 people go to a therapeutic boarding school, which is nightmarish to even think about, but I will get onto time later.

This lack of information and the whole idea of going with the flow was something that these programs enjoyed. I had this one instructor who I thought was cool for the most time, lets call them “M”. They had some views that were pretty against mine, but as the “adult” and superior in this situation, were very calm and composed. There was this one time during an assembly where they flat out said “I don’t think you should be Trans”, and actively was against gay people, but didn’t let that affect their instructorship, and I really appreciate that. I wish that more people were like M, you can be against someone being Trans but not actively chastise them and make their life worse. However, they did this one thing that really pissed me off, and I still think about it. Basically, we have these hikes every weekend, and usually they tell us where we are going to hike to. However, on this instance M refused to tell us anything, saying that in life we wouldn’t have information, and would have to go with the flow, which is a fucking stupid lesson, and one that some random 40-50 year old person should not be telling 11-15 year old male identifying children, we kind of need to know where we are hiking to prepare appropriate rations and get ourselves prepared, but a lack of information at this institution was a running theme thorough my time at this place.

Taking a complete 180, but the legal implications of these camps was really bizarre. First of all, the US having 50 different states with their own law-making ability basically saves these intuitions. For instance, all of the therapeutic boarding schools are based in Utah. All of them. Now, in most instances this would be really weird, but from what I now understand the law in Utah couldn’t care less about like children and essentially allow for whatever the fuck people can pay for. Now, I have no clue about where other camps are located, but I would not be surprised if they are also located in red states, such as Idaho in my instance, even being located in Utah. Its crazy how giving states autonomy on these matters leads to all the therapeutic boarding schools being in ONE STATE. Out of 50! While I was at this camp, maybe it’s just some weird fuckin fork of autism that fucks me in the head, but the paperwork required was like 80% of the job for the instructors, all of them working overtime. The instructors would work in 2 week intervals, but it is honestly crazy that they would stick to a pretty badly paying job while being in overtime a decent amount of the time. And that’s what really annoys me, the legal system of the US. While I honestly can’t do shit about the US legal system, I can write this complaining about the US legal system, and that’s good enough for me.

This legal tomfoolery directly ties into what I think makes this experience so isolating and traumatizing for many, the time spent away from parents. While in my experience, going to boarding school for weeks at a time helped make this experience easier, someone who has only gone to day school and the longest they have spent away from their parents would have been a weekend sleepover, or even a week-long sleep away camp, getting thrust into the Idaho “desert” with at most 1 hour of a call with your parents per week, not to mention that these calls are for therapeutic purposes so you can’t really discuss personal issues. However, there is a big oversight in what I just said, and that is that the camp allowed for communication through “letters”, where your parents would send a typed email to the base camp which was an hour drive away, so once every few days you could have mail, but the only way to respond to this mail was to hand-write a letter, and most of the time nobody bothered to do that, which made this experience really isolating, as you are away from everyone you know for 2-3 months.

Now, the main reason I’m talking about this mail system is that it was an integral part of the inauguration system. After a week of being in the wilderness, the expectation is for your parents to provide a letter of some sort that explains why you were there. While I understand the reasoning for waiting a week, I sensed a common theme throughout the “camp” of information being withheld, such as like when you were going to leave. Now the reason I talk so much about withheld information is that honestly it makes you feel like shit when you are the person getting information withheld from. Especially when it comes to being in the middle of nowhere, it feels like you did something “wrong”, which these camps are explicitly against saying. This is perfectly exemplified by the amount of information you get around leaving and how long you will be there. While you would think that people would get told or would at least have a basic idea about how long you would be there, instructors and everyone around you for the first week gives you little to no information.

This really sucks when you are basically taken away from your family, which we commonly referred to as gooning. Ah yes, 'gooning,' a term I'm sure you've all encountered in the most wholesome of places. But, just in case your minds are currently in the gutter, let's establish that in wilderness therapy, it meant being unceremoniously yanked out of bed at night by some very enthusiastic staff, not... whatever else you might be imagining. I know, I know, the internet has ruined everything. My problem with this "gooning" was that it was the default for most kids, and what my program recommended. And that’s so fucking dehumanizing, like it's inadvertently your parents basically saying you are dangerous when, like 90% of the time the kids were just sad depressed little shits or hyperactive ADHD kids. It's really sad how that was commonplace and how most parents wouldn't have an open conversation before, which is honestly the best way to healing, especially when the literal problems involve family. Now luckily I was not a part of this majority, as for a lot of things at this “camp,” but I can sympathize for the thousands of kids that have been through this.

As I mentioned— and you were paying attention, right? The camp was mostly filled with kids from privileged backgrounds. There was, however, one exception to that, someone I'll call 'The Exception' for this discussion. Now this kid was a really bright kid, and had some pretty interesting tendencies, while I don’t think that wilderness therapy is beneficial for most people, this kid had some problems (like all of us there), and obviously a judge thought so too, as they were at this “camp” on a court order, which I think is the wildest thing, that a for-profit company is taking so-called “disruptive” children and adults, stripping them of their freedom for profit, much like System of a Down describes in ‘ Prison Song ’: “They’re trying to build a prison, for you and me to live in.”. While the song is more about drug trafficking and how that funds most people’s daily lives, I think it’s still partially relevant as they literally sell a hoodie with a modified version of the CCA’s logo (Corrections Corporation of America) that actively satirizes and brings to light this deeply societal issue throughout the United States of America. Ok, me trying to integrate music done, back to wilderness therapy because I know you aren’t reading this anyway.

Misc
The first proper post (Heavy Content)

I guess this is going to be my first actual post that's not generic. Like the first post in which I use this website in the way I intend to use it. The start of the depression posts.

Now, depression is not like a haha funny oh shes depressed thing. Especially when you are living in a constant state of depression, things just feel like they are falling apart. And that's what I'm going to write about here. Wow, Mia is stating the obvious! If you don't want to read this, nobody is forcing you. Go touch grass or something...

Taking the PHQ-9 test, which is the industry standard for depression testing, I fall within the Moderately-Severe category. However, this time its different. This time it's not mild depression outbreaks, as my wilderness therapy documentation said, but it's constant. It definitely does fluctuate, as all depression does, like two nights ago I was definitely having an episode of severe depression, but it's like there's this puppeteer that's pulling at my strings without my input, and it's looming over me.

I think if you talk to any depressed person, nobody wants to be “sad.” It is a mental illness, and that is hard for some people to get their heads around, even I was confused by the prospect of being sad all the time with no end in sight. To me, the illness part of that is the most important. People always talk about things like “oh treat your mental health like your physical health,” but rarely is that shown in practice. Whilst this is a deeper issue with society and its treatment and stigmatisation of mental health, that is not a topic for today, because I'm selfish and I'm going to talk about whatever I want. So back to me!

If I had a soundtrack for this depression slump, one song really resonates with me. The 1997 version of Sometimes by Grey Daze really describes how I've been feeling. “Sometimes, things just seem to fall apart, when you least expect them to” really sums up how life has been. I'm in the best situation life-wise that I have been in for a while, I have freedom, I'm growing up, so why am I depressed? What is causing me to not be able to enjoy life to its fullest? And that's something that most people don't think about, like oh depression is a chemical imbalance, but what does that actually mean. And for most people, they have no clue, just oh no dopamine :(.

Ok, continuing with explaining my feelings with this song, it just feels like “I don't know what to think anymore.” Life is just crumbling around me, and my mind is trapped in its illusions, nobody is telling me what to think. I guess that's a byproduct of growing up, but it really sucks, you're not getting told to be at this specific place at a specified time for this specified reason. And people break away, once they aren't obligated to be around you, you start to realise that nobody really wants to be around you unless they have something to gain, such as monetary value or secrets. (the second one less so!)

And when everybody is only interacting with you to gain something, or to spite you, it just feels like I want to “pack up and leave behind... and all their smiles.” There are of course other reasons that this line resonates with me, but the variety of different ways that that line could be interpreted is quite intriguing. This could be a direct take that Chester Bennington is giving of his childhood, wanting to escape the misery of a childhood home.

Ending this off, I think that the last lines of the song make this a complete work of art. The lines “Maybe things will get better, maybe things will get brighter,” show that it's not all terrible and there is an end. And especially when you are in those seriously rough patches, you need someone to say that maybe things WILL get better, maybe they WILL get brighter, and it rounds the song perfectly.

Yes, I know this was basically me gushing about a song, I will do a more serious depression post later but also like personal info and it's kind of hard to write about something that you are currently going through.

Chester, you will not be forgotten. Maybe I will, but I wont let that happen to you.

The Music Post (Playlist Breakdown) (Heavy Content)

The Music Post

yep, it's that time. Time for me to dissect my least favourite and most emotional playlist to listen to, "Literal Emo*tional* shit" (yes i formatted it like that)

Sometimes By Grey Daze (1997 version)

This was the first song I added to this playlist. The dynamism between Chester's screams for the bridge "I don't know what to think anymore," and the rest of the song being a more acoustic down piece. If you want to know more about the exact lyrics, I have a blog post on that (im starting to use this platform, wow!) It is also the first more underground song I really got into, but the feelings I get are more current, so its hard to say exactly what I think of when I listen to.

Hold It Together by Mike Shinoda

This is one of my all time favourite songs. I mean all of these songs are, but this one in particular is just a work of art. Made by Mike Shinoda in 2018 after Chester Bennington's death, it's a really emotional piece, and that really resonates with me. The song starts off with "she said are you ok? and im staring into space," which kinda reflects this emptiness that I feel sometimes, where I'm looking out into the distance for something, but can't really grasp it. I mean I will also just pause sometimes, only for a few seconds I wouldn't want anyone knowing, but like my mind just stops, and it just feels like I need to hold it together. The rest of the song is more about grief and loss and I can't really apply it to my situation, but go give this whole playlist a listen at least once, these songs are all works of art.

Tomorrow by Stone Temple Pilots

Definitely my favourite song off of the High Rise EP with Chester Bennington. Honestly the other songs are just bland, but this one speaks to me. The most impactful lines "Tomorrow, im coming home/im so tired, and so alone," hit me so deep, especially the second part, just realising that you are in a situation is 50% of the way to the solution, and the idea of coming home is something that a few more songs have, keep an eye for that.

Good Things Go by Linkin Park

Ah, where do I start with this one? I got to listen to this song a few days early, my pre-order somehow let me download the whole of from zero early, and honestly the whole album is ok, not bad at all but not emotionally worthy for me. That was until the last song, Good Things Go. The main line that resonates with me is "Stare at the mirror and look for another face." Whilst im sure this line was written for a completely different reason, it is a perfect trans allegory. Or at least I think it sums up part of the trans experience for me. Staring into the mirror and looking for something that's not at the surface, something under the skin. It's one of the hardest feelings to describe, but knowing that something is in you that you can't just let out, it's hard to live with. The rest of the song is kind of irrelevant, still a good song but more about grief and shitty friends.

At the risk of feeling dumb - top

When I first listened to Clancy, I wrote it off as being “Pop Slop.” however, after a few listens, it has become one of my favorite albums of all time. This is one of my favoruites off the record, for its deep lyrics and keeping an upbeat nature while having mature themes. The song is an anti-suicide song, but with the way that it is composed, you would be hard pressed to find that based off "vibe" alone. And thats what I apreicate, is people can be suicidial and jovial. I really apreicate the message of checking on your friends, even if they say its all good, because thats all we can do in life.

Crawling oml live - lp

This is the Acoustic/Piano version of Crawling from the One More Light concerts. The emotion conveyed in a acoustic version of a hard rock song really hits different, especially after chester's passing. While the rock version of crawling didn't really resonate with me, the acoustic version really resonates with me, especially the way that the piano blends with Chester’s Vocals.

Wet sand - chili peppers

One of the chillest RHCP songs probobally ever. Whilst I don’t really listen to thier discography and only listen to thier biggest “Hits,” wet sand really hits differnt.

Walk - foo fighters

“Learnin’ to walk again.” I mean the line is catchy isint it? But its about getting up after that fall, “I believe I’ve waited long enougn, where do I begin?”

No Roads Left - lp

This song is one of my all time favourite songs. Being off of the bonus edition of minutes to midnight, the song is an absolute masterpiece. The song starts off with "Standing Alone with no direction," which is one of the most interesting openings to a song I have heard. However, It really resonates with me, maybe I will make a blog post on that.

The Thought (Heavy Content)

The Thought

yeah so basically I was just chiling or whatever and i let my mind wander and damn like what the fuck!? Uh so I was thinking about my meal that I had just had at 5 guys, and how it was good and how im like always tired when i have fast food and how like its a wierd affect it has on me, but like then i thought about how i had biked there, and how i would walk to taco bell off cerillos road at santa fe, but then i was still on the topic of transport and for some reason i can remember the exact intersection where im in a specific lane and im on a non e bike and im in the turning lane off and i stop and i crack my head open on the asphualt and then like its gruesome and shit and like why the fuck like huh?

Whilst that was written in the moment and was very vulgar, its often the sense of oneself “slipping away” that compels us to do extremist actions. From simple things, such as changing our expression and outlook on life, to drastic things such as

Just some rambling / It gets worse (Heavy Content)

Just some rambling

Im fucking scared. Scared of the future. I don’t want to grow up, its scary having to deal with like adult shit. And the world moves by, leaving me behind. Of course, this is partially London, and its harsh environment, but im just mentally fucked at the moment. While many could call this like a slump, its been a few weeks. A few weeks of not doing shit, sitting in my room, sensory overload, and generally just a messed up body and shit. Ive felt this way before (so insecure), but never to this extent, its just hard to stomach how hard it all is.

I just don’t have fucking purpouse. And while that sounds corny asf, im fucking failing everything, im literally just hopeless for anything, waiting for something to save me, which is nowhere close to what I should be feeling. Its just a drag, every day getting worse than the last. And honestly, my sleep has been fucked. Barely sleeping, sleeping too much, today I woke up on time, and don’t chock this up to being a teen with shit sleep, im talking about sleeping at 6 and waking up at 8. Also, whenever I try to sleep by body just doesn’t stop. It keeps going, enacting, idk not like twitching but just like my leg will have to be moving, which makes it really hard to sleep.

If I had to guess, its probably an anxiety slump, but doesn’t it sound fucking stupid that im having anxiety because im trans. And especially now, like out of 4 years why would my bitchass start being anxous of being trans and shit. I-I just don’t want to change, like i know its hard and shit, but its more than hard, it’s a whole lifestyle change, and I don’t know anything, its like im in the dark about myself, and trying to make assumptions I dont have any facts for.

It gets worse

As you read from the title, theres never an end. Like this shit just keeps coming down and theres nothing I can do. 2 days ago, the bike incident happened. Or at least thats what im going to call it, cant really think of much else to call it. I wrote about it in the moment, but its a good thing to re-think about. So, people were having a conversation around me, yapping as ususal, but my ass was completely in a different world, i was thinking about like how i was just at 5 guys, and when i eat fast food im always out of breath as usually I walked or biked to get there. And that took me back to santa fe, where I would get taco bell all the time, and that same feeling of exhaustion. Basically, that same road that that taco bell is near, i had a very disgusting thought that i dont even know if I can describle propertly, but its like lodged in my mind. Basically, i was riding a pedal bike on that road that that taco bell is on, i distinctly remember it being a non-ebike, and i was in the turning lane (going home,) and basically i stopped, and my head and brains were all over the concrete, as if i had tipped over. Now, I know that like how do my brains end up on pavment if im literally stopped, but honnestly im way less concerend with the cohesiveness of the thought and more about what it implies.

Now, idk im pretty sure this is classed as an intrusive thought, but thats not how it felt, it just felt like my mind wandering. For a while, i thought I was having sexual intrusive thoughts, but after thinking about it and going through it in my head, thats just me being a fucked up teenager.

So; why this shit happens? For the death thing, that thought was really out of line because I had been in a suicidal trance for the last few days. No plans, nothing major, but basically I was GIVEN the ideology that everybody couldnt even stand being around me, like classmates would physically move themselves away from me, which is kinda fucked up. What was surprising though is that throughout all of this, if I were to kill myself it would never be through something so gruesome and public. Like I would never jump off a bridge, honnestly I would just hang myself or something simple and painless like that.

Now for the sexual shit, this thought has been stuck in my mind for a while. But i dont want to feel anything, especially when it comes to horniness. My main reason for this is horniness makes me act in wierd ways that arent “normal,” and kind of fuck up my outlook on life as i do stupid shit to feel pleasure, and then parents think im a sexual freak, and i just keep doing it. Like thats been my main state of mind these last few months or whatever, like i dont wanna feel anything sexual, dont want to have any sexual organs. Its just really hard grappling with these feelings, not knowing whats next, if you should improve because who knows something might happen or honnestly I could seriously self harm myself.

And thats another point of struggle. Its a hard one too because my parents, especially my mother have no clue how deep it really is, and how I really try to protect them from it. My dad, while being understanding, is worried, and thats a shit feeling. Mostly, its a struggle I have to deal with, but it sucks that like nobody knows, nobodys seen the shit on my legs, which at least shows im not doing it for attention. I honnestly dont know what im going to do, like the scars are still fucked, and like i keep doing it, mosty out of impulse.

I have no clue how this happened, but idk im fixed or something? At least I think. Basically, like im not as depressed, still hard to get up in the morning, but like idk its not a constant feeling of being down, which is really nice. Maybe it was going home monday morning, decent sleep for once in my life, or sleeping on a proper bed and not the floor, either way i dont care im just now a functioning human being and thats nice, I was scared I was clinging on to the depression and being sick, and not wanting to get out of it, but looking back on it I was definitley depressed, and definitley still sick, but not exadgurating, something hard to retrofit.

28th Feb Entry (Heavy Content)

28th Feb

Im killing myself. Slowly yes, but still, thats my “goal.” Last night, i had realised that now was my time to fade, and leave this earth. Luckily I was not able to get anywhere with that yesterday, it was this looming feeling that envoleped all of my thoughts. The thought that I was a waste, and ending it all was not bad. And boy i sh-ed, but i went deep, and i just kept going, untill I was forced to take a shower as the blood would be too much of a hassle to clean up. Now, im going crazy after over 48 hours of no sleep while writing this. I keep looking out of the corner of my eye to see my blahaj transfrom into a person with a round white head and some sort of wooden stick. I can trigger sounds in my mind, but these are wierd sounds, some are like songs i barely rember, but most of are speech. My eyes are fucked, but thats the least of my surprises. Anyway, theres a reason im doing all of this. To kill myself, and to go crazy. Yes, those are my intentons. Sadly, undereating and refusing to drink hasnt killed me so far, but going crazy might. Oh, on the topic of that, ive been barely eating. Partially depression and shit but also im scared of being in a restaruant, and any social interaction ever. At school, im confined to my room basically all the time. And thats why ive started writing these journal entries and also write my two blogs. Its to show that im doing something with my time as im too lazy to do schoolwork or something productive. Instead, i work on miate.ch and waste my time. But i think its starting to be a problem. Right before half term i bought a full like 200g packet of mince meat, and I ate the whole thing in hopes of getting sick. From my research, its less about what you actually do, and more of the thinking behind it. And this is the perfect example of that. Ive also been trying to not drink any water, and kill myself that way. Sadly, my body has repeadly said no, so whenever it gets uncomfortable (usually a day and a bit), i will have like 5 redbulls in a row as to have a heart attack, and im like chugging these things. Thats the reason I like redbull so much. Whilst yes the flavour is nice, saying i chugged 5 redbulls in like 10 minutes as to harm myself is way better than saying I chugged 2 monsters in like 10 minutes as to harm myself. Honnestly, I dont diserve to live. Thats the realisation I made. Im a burden on my parents, just a waste of money and consiousness. And, im a faggot. Sadly, I have been indoctrinated into this liberal idealistic policy that whoever can be whatever they want.

No im fucking joking but if you want to be an attack helicopter go for it i will refer to you however you want.

Everything is Fucked (Heavy Content)

"Sexual Thing"

Such a surprise, but sometimes there is shit you wish you didn’t see. Not like a bad grade, because a bad grade you will see anyway, doesn’t matter if you see it a week early or 2 months late. But something that’s basically an attack at you, like friends making fun of you behind your back, but worse and deeper. I mean someone calling me faggot to my face is sad but whatever, but when its someone you thought loved you unconditionally, says harmful shit behind your back it hurts, like it hurts a lot. Shit hurts so much that I just wanted to make it permanent, make it engraved in my skin. 2 months later, its still there. Good nobody looks at my legs, because that would be a nightmare explaining why the words “whore” and “tranny” are scared into my legs, but I couldn’t help it, I needed to feel something, and that was the only thing that would help me in the moment. Like that shit just made me feel empty, like a shell. And that fucked me up, like I was honestly thinking if anyone would miss me. Like after a few minutes, not tying but it all finishing, being done. Not feeling anything, I was just exhausted of thinking, too much going on in my mind.

The Void

Blahaj. Empty. Heart going crazy. Everything's too much. All amplified, like a broken speaker playing at max volume, with the bass boosted to the max too. Can't focus. Can't fucking think. Everything is a blur. Sounds, colors, feelings, they’re all attacking, it’s all just an attack from every single direction. Thoughts stuck on repeat. Trans. Four years. Am I just fucked up? Is this even real?. I'm just as confused now as I was years ago. Maybe I just make it up for attention. My own brain is lying to me, but everyone always says “listen to yourself.” It's all jumbled up. Confusing and contradictory. Fucked up. And no sleep. Days now. Body buzzing. Mind racing. Just want it to stop. Just make it fucking stop. I try to rest now though. It does nothing though. Who do you even talk to? Nobody gets it. And I’m stuck here. Waiting. For nothing. Maybe I'll eat later, but doubt it. Can't stomach the thought. Maybe it will all just go away. It won’t. It never does.